You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
