toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
