Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
