we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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