Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Text me some of your sweat
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
