Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
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Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
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You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize