I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
There are leaves in my underwear?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
