Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
