all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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