I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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