I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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