cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
