Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Randomize
