im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck