Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
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It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...