When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
