You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
