If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Who died my cat blue again?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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