don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
