i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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