I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
