I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
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The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
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Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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