I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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