and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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