I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Are we still banned from the library?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
