I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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