I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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