I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
