When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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