I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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