i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
