I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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