I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
