i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
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i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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