please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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