you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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