yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
