Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
