Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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