Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
