he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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