I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
