On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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