I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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