I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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