I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
