someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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