Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i was born a porn star she said
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You made out with two different species that night
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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