the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
