I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
