alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
