She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
