If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
