Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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