so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
