nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
