I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
