I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
