I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
