Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize