can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
